It has come to my attention that there are a lot of staunch right to life type Christians out there praying in hopes that their silent communiques with a God who may or may not actually be listening will affect the outcome of the upcoming election tomorrow, a day which I have renamed CanWePleaseJustGetThisOverWithTuesday. Also known as the day I get to vote, possibly get falling down drunk, possibly weep publicly, and also possibly soil myself. Or maybe all of those things.
So, those of you that are movin’ those little Jesus Mardi Gras beads around in a circle and saying the same thing over and over again, I’ve got a few small requests that I would like to throw in there for you to include along with your prayers to make Caribou Barbie one of the leaders of the free world:
1) Can we work on inventing cheese that is fat free, calorie free, and yet tastes just like real cheese, and, most importantly, gets warm and melty like real cheese? Think of how this could help our country’s obesity problem, or, at least, grant me the ability to eat pizza and look really fucking hot at the same time.
2) I would also like a Diet Coke fountain to magically appear inside my house. Preferably with the little buttons to make it Cherry Diet or Vanilla Diet. Or Jack Daniels diet.
3) Some sort of magical force field around my house that will make it actually STAY clean after I, Ian, or our adorable little African cleaning people have cleaned it. Seriously those people are so freaking friendly I’m pretty sure they have little cartoon animals that follow them around and sing songs with them.
4) Also, along the lines of #2– Grey Goose Vodka tap and/or Ativan vending machine.
5) Actually, while we’re at it I want one of those big fun claw machines, but instead of grabbing stuffed animals I will be able to grab big free bottles of all the glorious meds that keep me from being so emo.
These are but my small requests,
In the name of Triscuit, our Lord, Aaaaaamen.
