Quick Updates

1) I promise I will post an actual, real entry soon. Very soon. Like, tonight soon. Things have been a little busy/hairy over here.

2) NaBloPoMo. I’m doing it in October.

3) Moving: also doing that soon, to a new host. The address won’t change, but there will probably be a day or so of downtime, so fret not.

4) Are you following me on Twitter, @Jewles? You’re not? Were you dropped on your head as a child?

5) I’m going to Guatemala in June–and I need help to get there. Please watch this perty video of my undereye circles Here and check out the donation link: Here

And, finally, I have found the most efficient way to lose followers on Twitter. The phrase “exercise hymen”. 10 followers in two minutes. Hoo-rah.

Well, Whaddaya Know?

The wonderful Jessalogic , also known as @daysgoby on that there Twitter thing, gave me this:

“This award is given to the writers of blogs that “are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

The shameful part? She gave it to me IN JUNE. AND I DIDN’T NOTICE UNTIL NOW. How Charming and Friendly is THAT? I am ripe with the smell of shame. And Dove antiperspirant which Metalia recommended to me awhile back.

So, here are my eight Friendly Internetters and their respective blogs:

Neilochka from Citizen of the Month
Ladies, he is FUNNY and he’s JEWISH and he’s SINGLE.
Heather from Singing With My Heart
Because she is much like the WuTangClan: ain’t nothin’ to Eff With
Jonna from Jonniker
Because she too understands the joy of singing inappropriate songs to babies
Kris from KristinLynch.com
Because she would literally lend a stranger money if she thought they needed it.
Katy from The Bucky 4-Eyes Cotillion
Because she wouldn’t DARE be tardy for the party
Smashedpotatoes of Smashed Potatoes
Because she Favr’s my tweets more often than anyone
Kate of B to the Sheep
Because she is an archaeologist, y’all. Like with REAL dinosaur bones and shit
KatyDid of KatyDidSaid
Because she definitely Haz A Funny

Mother Chucker

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, wherein I was making fun of how many hours he plays video games. It’s not that I have a problem with video games, it’s more that, like any good Jew By Proxy, I merely want him to find a nice girl who cooks a good brisket to settle down with, and I’m afraid his time spent slaying pixelated dragons might be impinging on this.

Since he is quite the clever lad, and has mastered the art of Calling Me Out on My Shit, he then stated that he bet that I wouldn’t be able to go very long without bad television, either. In his mind, reality tv equals bad tv and while I’m not in total agreement with that, I could see his point. Namely, that we are all entitled to some mindless entertainment now and then.

Since I am nothing if not crazily competitive, I decided to check my TIVO this AM to see just how many “Bad TV” shows I watch on a given week, which comprised both reality TV such as Real Housewives of ATL, and television series that were clearly aimed at a 14 year old. There were a few of those.

Y’all. I watch a LOT of bad TV. I mean really, really bad TV. It’s almost shameful how many shows are clogging up my TIVO with their one dimensional characters, sloppily constructed plot lines, and dead-eyed actors who just want to get back to their trailer to do a line or two of blow off of some skank’s ass.

Which brings me to the most shameful confession I have ever made via the interwebs:
Bless me Readers, For I Have SINNED. I watch Gossip Girl.
Yes, I know, I’m not really their target demographic, but there’s something just so lip-smackingly delicious about watching all these beautiful taut young things prancing around Manhattan using 100 dollar bills as toilet paper while wreaking havoc on the lives of others and having shamefully naughty intimate encounters.

Basically, it’s everything I DIDN’T do in High School. Notice how they never have one of the characters reading Joan Didion alone in her room on a Friday night because all the girls her age are vapid and all the boys her age are afraid of her? Nor was there a series of episodes where one of the leads went to Space Camp one summer and then to Musical Theatre camp the next. Mine was a decidedly sex-drugs-and-rock-and-roll-less adolescence, unless listening to Tori Amos on your discman while crying about how flat-chested you are is now BADASS.

But, enough about me, onto the Gossip Girl recap from last night’s episode which I believe was titled “The One Where The Show That Used to be Scandalous Got All Safe And Boring”. Or at least it should have been. They’re trying to paint Serena as a “Bad Girl” again even though all she did was go to try and find her father and make out with That Dude Who’s Name I Can’t Remember. She and Dan are stepsiblings now so there’s No Sex in the Champagne Room for Awhile which is fine with me because young Daniel deserves better than a girl that always looks like this:

Seriously. Whoever taught this Blake Lively chick how to act must have been palsied or some shit because homegirl always looks/talks/acts like she’s got a damn dick in her mouth.

And this was the best picture they could get of her riding a horse?

She looks like a constipated Golum wearing Kim Zolciak’s weave.

But all of this is mere idle chatter compared to the biggest bone I have to pick with GG so far this season. WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY CHUCK BASS? They’re trying to make him out to be this new reformed Chuck who is all monogamous and kind and chivalrous and shit and that is just not right. I want my Chuck Bass with a pocket square, a fifth of gin in his system and a lecherous sneer so I can mentally picture myself as an 18 year old having very limber relations with him in the back of his limo. After dinner and underage drinks somewhere fabulous and a good hour or so of drunkenly dry humping on the dance floor at some very exclusive boite. THAT is what 18 year olds should be doing. They should not be playing house with their icy, neurotic and impossibly beautiful girlfriend while dressed like this:

I mean, COME ON PEOPLE. The ascots were one thing but what in the bloody hell is this getup? I don’t remember what Blair was saying in this screenshot but I can guarantee she’s thinking “Why the Hell did they take my Mother Chucker away and replace him with goddamned Captain Von Trapp?”. As the genius writers on D Listed would say: something in the milk ain’t right.

It’s like they fired Ed Westwick and replaced him with…I don’t know…a young Ed McMahon. It’s Just.So.Very.Wrong. I demand bad behavior, backstabbing, drama, intrigue and a few sneering facial expressions from Chuck Bass that I can store away for my special alone time. Humph.

So, maybe, if things keep trending in this direction, I’ll have one less horrible show to watch and my friend John will have one less thing to lord over me in our constant debates of Who Is A More Jaded, Cynical, Elitist Prick. I’d hate to lose my Chuck Bass Time but I’d also really like for JUST ONCE if I could best John at this game. It’s like, Sophie’s Choice for assholes over here, y’all.

So, we’ll see as the season progresses if Gossip Girl does that thing that everyone used to call “Jumping The Shark” before that phrase lost all meaning. If so, at least Chuck and I will have our brief, faded and fuzzy memories of that one gloriously tawdry day together. You know, the one that happened in my head. Or, maybe I could make The Husband start wearing a cravat.

Dwight Schrute is Onto Something

I’ve been totally, completely enthralled with a new website this past week or so.

Yes, I hear you groaning out there. I am aware that I spend more time on the internet than is probably healthy, but this is a really completely different concept, one that I think really encapsulates what I think social networking should be all about: connecting diverse, different people who have similar thoughts or beliefs who normally wouldn’t have had the chance to connect. It also forces you to examine your own deepest philosophical tenets, and forces you to articulate your beliefs and engage in debate with those who have different ideas.

As an educator, I think this site is an amazing example of creative ways to get people thinking, talking, and writing about the bigger questions in life: the things that truly propel all great creative and artistic work. Awakening this higher level of thinking in students is something we are sorely missing in our standardized testing crazed system today. I am drooling over ways I can incorporate this idea into my lesson plans.

The creator of the site, Rainn Wilson, is best known for being Dwight Schrute on The Office. He is an exceptionally creative guy with a really deep connection to his spiritual and philosophical self: he coined the term Spiritivity to try to summarize these beliefs. It’s a little cheesy sounding, but it’s something I’ve always thought, that creativity and artistic pursuits are my way of stoking my own philosophical or spiritual fire. I know this kind of deep thought is a deviation from my usual brand of Drunky Falls Down psuedo-humor blogging, but I really wanted to share this great idea with all of y’all. You know, the three of you that read this thing. Hi, Mom.

Oh, which brings me to another topic: who are you all? There’s an average of about 80 hits to this little site of mine every day, and I know they can’t all be from my Mommy. Introduce yourself! How did you find me? What’s your story? And add me on Twitter! How else will you get updates on my bowel movements and Unidentified Drunken Injuries?

But back to this website: here’s the link: SOUL PANCAKE
Seriously, if you haven’t already checked it out, you should. I’m JDMM2012–see what I have to say, and let me know what you have to say, too.