Everyone’s got one, whether or not they know it. Maybe it’s your boyfriend, your neighbor, a coworker or a friend, but there’s someone in your life who is your own personal Drama Llama. Like a lightning rod for ridiculousness, this individual manages to imbue even the most easy-breezy situation with an air of doomsday. They are a better conspiracy theorist than Oliver Stone. When not stirring the pot, they are talking about pot-stirring, thinking about pot-stirring, or going out to buy a new pot and a silicone spoon-ula so as to more efficiently stir. the goddamned. pot.
Undoubtedly, they also have some positive qualities that have managed to snow you into believing that they are not, in fact, a harbinger of melodrama. Maybe you’ve been friends for decades. Maybe you shared a womb. Maybe their cubicle is attached to yours. Extricating yourself from the relationship entirely would probably be about as painless as, say, pulling all your pubes out one at time. With tweezers. Dull tweezers. That have been heated to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
I’ve had a few in my life. Oh, yes, yes I have. No matter who they were or what our relationship was, there were always a few red flags, early on, that I should have seen, but didn’t. Here’s a few common characteristics I’ve noticed all Drama Llamas seem to share:
1. You never hear them mention any old friends. Or, if they do, it’s only in the context of something that person did to them that was OMG SO HORRIBLE sadface sadface. There’s a reason why they’ve burned all their bridges, and it ain’t because they’d rather swim.
2. Their romantic relationships are consistently disastrous. Now, everyone has a few exes that are truly despicable, for one reason or another, but the Drama Llama’s affairs always seem to end with heavy objects being thrown and things lit on fire.
3. They have a very skewed perception about how important they are to the universe. They often say things such as “I’m just SO TIRED of people treating me so poorly.” What’s the common denominator here? Oh, right. The Drama Llama.
4. You know about every single one of their problems. From a torn cuticle to the death of their beloved Cockatoo Shotzy, you’ve talked them off the ledge more times than Michael Jackson had rhinoplasty revisions. However, if you ever try to talk to them about your issues, something strange happens and before you know it they’ve somehow made it all about them. You try to retrace your conversational steps to figure out where the train derailed, but you feel like you must have been hypnotized or Glamored or something because you can’t figure it out. They’re sneaky, those llamas.
5. If anything ever goes awry in your family, company, or group of friends, the Drama Llama is either personally involved in the kerfuffle or somehow manages to llama-leap their way into the fray. They looooooove taking sides and they haaaaaaaaaate when everyone is getting along. Chances are, anytime anything scandalous happens, the first person you hear from, is Mister or Missus Llama. That’s no coincidence.
So. Now you understand what a Drama Llama is, what their M.O. is, and can undoubtedly understand why their influence in your life is less that positive. Life is hard and sometimes unfair. We’ve all got our own struggles, some more than others, and the last thing ANYONE needs is to be duped into taking custody of someone else’s overblown pseudo-tragedies. So the question now is: how do you make it stop?
I’m here to tell you it’s easier than you think. Simply utilize the Drama Llama’s most distinguishing characteristic to your advantage. All they ever think about is themselves. Their view of the world extends no farther than the tip of their fluffy llama nose. Every other individual in the universe exists only to humor them, or to be a sounding board for their insanity.
Just stop. Hit the ignore button on your cellphone. Sign into GChat invisibly if you’ve got to. Smile and wave and keep on walking. If you are required to have interactions with them, do so on your own terms. Set the date and time according to your whims. Leave when you are ready to leave. Nod and pretend to pay attention as they drone on about their latest Hindenburg-sized disaster. They won’t even notice.
Be cordial, of course. Friendly, even, if you have to. Keep this knowledge to yourself, because loose lips sink ships and you need to get off this Titanic before the Celine Dion song starts playing. Then, once the coast is clear, take a look around. Hear that sound? That’s called peaceful quiet. Your shoulders will drop below your ears, your ass will unclench, you’ll be sleeping better, working better, hell, you’ll probably be having better sex. Because you’ve rid yourself of a big, furry, mountain-dwelling, pack-carrying parasite. Pat yourself on the back. And remember, otehr drama llamas will undoubtedly appear, but now that you’ve got their number, you are a Llama Shepherd No More.
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